The power of "failing"

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall" Confucius

I love embracing the notion of determination and perseverance, rising after we fall. Confession-I'm a recovering "pathological perseverer" so truly I do believe in this concept as powerful and empowering. It takes some of the potentially paralyzing fear out of the risk of failure, that ever present force that can seduce us into not taking risks, of playing small in our lives. Sheesh, do I ever know this path all too well. Maybe you do too.

However, lately I have been reflecting on this concept from a different angle. What about the power of "failing", of falling down, of our seemingly weak, awkward, incredibly vulnerable, and low moments as holding power in and of themselves. Not in the picking oneself up afterwards, the courage it takes to rise again, the perseverance it takes to keep trying and striving towards one's dreams. All beautiful and noble concepts. But rather the beauty and potential of these moments of laying face down to open up something important, a potentially far-reaching meaningful shift for us. One of those deep ah ha moments that open the gates for seeing things from a new perspective.

I feel the need to say the caveat that this is not always the case, but in reflecting on my life of perseverance I had this moment of clarity recently of how perseverance can be a way of bypassing deeper learning from being face down, of "failing". A moment of pause perhaps to ask oneself is this something that calls to my soul and I truly want or am I reaching for it from motivations that do not nourish and resonate with who I truly am? Is this failing a redirection that is whispering to me to change course? And maybe most importantly, when I am viscerally and completely in this place of failing, of not shining, of appearing to be a messy, needy, weak... all these common vernacular ways society has of conveying failure that is a part of most of our consciousness... when I am in this place, can I love myself? Completely. Unequivocally. In the mess and when I am down and out. Is my worth deeper than my external circumstances? It is a worthwhile affirmation to think on, but right here, in these moments of falling down, of being IN it, this is where the rubber hits the road. Where affirmations get to be put into lived reality of whether or not it is an intellectual thought of being worthy or whether it is an embodied and lived truth in every single one of our very cells. Can we lay in the mud, messy, embarrassed, feeling deeply vulnerable, and honestly say I love who I am. I am worthy of love. I am loveable. Right now. Not in the future when I get successful and at a place in my life where I receive accolades from others, not when I am shining and rocking my mission, but right now, right here, as my imperfect self, even face down in the mud.

"Understanding the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is critical to laying down the shield and picking up your life. Research shows that perfectionism hampers success. In fact, it’s often the path to depression, anxiety, addiction, and life paralysis" Brene Brown

Because if we can't do this, if we can't love ourselves when we are down, I think it is worth considering whether or not we are getting back up and trying again, in the words of Brene Brown, to "hustle for our worthiness". Persevering to attain love- self love, admiration of others, societal condoning of our success, our efforts. All beautiful things, my friends, don't get me wrong. But perhaps failure is the ultimate test of whether we truly are able to consummate the intellectual belief of our worth with our lived experience. Of being grounded enough in our worth that when we are face down that we can stay there and maybe, just maybe, even linger a bit. To be open to the feelings and sensations that emerge. To see if shame is still lingering in our subconscious maybe from past experiences, failure illuminating these recesses of our somatic self where it has been hiding, and if we pause, allowing the light of failure to show us the where maybe, just maybe there will be whispers of an invitation into the how of letting it go. If it is intolerable, if we are unable to sit with these remnants of unworthiness, of shame, we are most likely destined to continue to strive from a place of behavioral adaptation as a way to bypass this discomfort. A breeding ground for perfectionism which may get you, may get me, external success, accolades, and affirmation but does little to abate that gnawing sense of unworthiness, the inability to modulate your strivings (workaholism, burnout). While I don't know their personal stories, one only has to think of the recent suicides of uber-successful giants in our world from Robin Williams to Anthony Bourdain to Kate Spade to know "having it all" by societal standards isn't always the end all be all. Success and accomplishments are beautiful things, but when they arise from a foundation of seeking one's worth and value externally it is not an assurance of happiness, of freedom, of living your best life.

"Because true belonging only happens when we present our authentic, imperfect selves to the world, our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance" Brene Brown

Valentine's Day just passed, a day where we reflect on love and our dreams of what we want in a partner. Unconditional love is a soul opening experience in relationship, something that is included in most of our desires relationally. Indeed, Stephen Porgess and his revelations of our polyvagal nervous system have given scientific theory and validation to the capacity and power of being held by another in eye gaze and in safe physical contact to deeply and profoundly heal our wounds and rewire our nervous system, especially when we have been hurt relationally. I would suggest though that we also have this capacity to develop this with ourselves especially with a deep and connected spirituality. Not to supplant the amazing gifts of relational healing, but rather as an adjunct to either take that healing deeper or to create this type of soft and compassionate relationship with our own inner tender places. Maybe, just maybe, this empathic connection with our own imperfections and struggle also allows us to connect at a deeper, more nourishing level with others and in turn allow them to connect more deeply with us, a type of positive reinforcement cycle that feeds the very thing that heals this wound. Heals it, not colluding with the shame by hiding it, covering it up with more successes, more strivings, more overcompensations. But rather affirms our worth by owning it, fully. Even if it's scary and the vulnerability makes us shake and quiver. Shaking is biologically a healing force, so step into it. Let's link arms and step in together, setting and laying new cultural norms, allowing and inviting the power of healing to strengthen and grow.

"Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light" Brene Brown

From that place of deep self-love, right now, NO MATTER WHAT, to go forth and shine. Fully, unabashedly, fully present, and rooted in your unconditional, amazing worth and value as a soul in this world. To paradigm shift our identity as a human being with less emphasis on being human, with the limitations that we all have in the humanness of our transitory mind and body, and more emphasis from our being aspect, from our very soul, that truly nothing or no one or time itself is capable of diminishing. From this powerful place, feel the true freedom that diminishes the deterrence and power fear and "failure" has over you and has over me. If you and if I know the truth of failure- that it is an opportunity for deeper learning, more profound self-love, more rooted self-acceptance, it is something we learn to welcome not fear. Not because we are bypassing or glossing over the discomfort of it, but because we are able to hold sacred space and enter into it. True freedom- it will open you to the joy that will make you unstoppable, it will tap into this self-perpetuating and continuous fountain of life and truth that strengthens the call of freedom and lets you welcome it into your life, step by step. I want this for you. I want this for me. So, go forth, dear radiant one, shine from this unfathomably powerful and free place...shine bright.